A Dip in the Deep Side
I've been a little overwhelmed for about two weeks. Overwhelmed by work, by the crime and state of affairs in our country, by the sadness and pain that so many children walk in my class, by family and by all the "being" expected of us: be mother, spouse, be a teacher, be a woman, be a friend and be a Christian. It seems like the whole world is a bit dark and heavy as if I accidentally fell into the deep end of the pool when I just wanted to wet my toes.
My friends count on me not being nice, my husband feels like I'm curt and hard, my mom says I'm quiet and my colleagues see the frown on my forehead. For someone who walks around with my whole heart and yet a diary full of emotions, it's also difficult to hide if everything in my heart is not honey theory.
For days I tried to think exactly what made me so depressed, because it really felt as if I had just got up tired and depressed one morning. And I use the word depressed very carefully here because I have heart people in my life who really have depression and I do not want to pretend that the little dips I now take are somewhat the same as the daily struggles they go through.
For us all, life is just a rollercoaster ride: a little bit, a little bit off and a bit boring in the middle. For me, life is generally a little bit up and very boring and very little down. So I don't always know how to be when I suddenly feel down. I just know I'm not laughing so much, I'm getting harder in the morning, I have less patience and my filter when I speak suddenly disappears.
Last night I decided that the dip should end now, because I can't function that way. Somewhere I have to swim again and get up for breath. And this morning I read 2 things (both while I'm just taking a break between packs of marking)
A letter from a mother of a beautiful girl 2 years after her husband committed suicide. It goes to people who feel they can no longer and that life is better without them.
It catches me, because the little darkness in me is just a droplet against someone to feel before committing suicide. It snatches me, because people see so easily the negative things and miss the hundreds of positive things that pass. It makes me sad because there is so much stigma when it comes to psychological conditions and so many people never get help and then go deeper and deeper.
A newspaper article on "Sunrise", a newborn baby that was just found alive at Sunrise Beach in Muizenberg in a blue plastic bag yesterday.
It catches me more because what this guy deserved to be thrown away and not even given a chance. It ripped me off, because how much worse had to be the life of his mother to get to that dark place. It makes me more sad, because here I sit with a job, with a family, with a man, with friends and with an incredible merciful and loving God and pity myself.
And just like that, 2 bits of reading and a pack of perspective later, and I breathe again. I swim lengths to the steps of the pool and I get out with a whole heart. A warm, grateful, light heart.
My friends count on me not being nice, my husband feels like I'm curt and hard, my mom says I'm quiet and my colleagues see the frown on my forehead. For someone who walks around with my whole heart and yet a diary full of emotions, it's also difficult to hide if everything in my heart is not honey theory.
For days I tried to think exactly what made me so depressed, because it really felt as if I had just got up tired and depressed one morning. And I use the word depressed very carefully here because I have heart people in my life who really have depression and I do not want to pretend that the little dips I now take are somewhat the same as the daily struggles they go through.
For us all, life is just a rollercoaster ride: a little bit, a little bit off and a bit boring in the middle. For me, life is generally a little bit up and very boring and very little down. So I don't always know how to be when I suddenly feel down. I just know I'm not laughing so much, I'm getting harder in the morning, I have less patience and my filter when I speak suddenly disappears.
Last night I decided that the dip should end now, because I can't function that way. Somewhere I have to swim again and get up for breath. And this morning I read 2 things (both while I'm just taking a break between packs of marking)
A letter from a mother of a beautiful girl 2 years after her husband committed suicide. It goes to people who feel they can no longer and that life is better without them.
It catches me, because the little darkness in me is just a droplet against someone to feel before committing suicide. It snatches me, because people see so easily the negative things and miss the hundreds of positive things that pass. It makes me sad because there is so much stigma when it comes to psychological conditions and so many people never get help and then go deeper and deeper.
A newspaper article on "Sunrise", a newborn baby that was just found alive at Sunrise Beach in Muizenberg in a blue plastic bag yesterday.
It catches me more because what this guy deserved to be thrown away and not even given a chance. It ripped me off, because how much worse had to be the life of his mother to get to that dark place. It makes me more sad, because here I sit with a job, with a family, with a man, with friends and with an incredible merciful and loving God and pity myself.
And just like that, 2 bits of reading and a pack of perspective later, and I breathe again. I swim lengths to the steps of the pool and I get out with a whole heart. A warm, grateful, light heart.
Comments
Post a Comment